We'd Rather Talk About Sex Than Money

One of the topics that I hardly hear people talking about in the therapy room is money. In fact, a study showed that among the taboo topics such as marital problems, mental health, sex, politics, religion, people are least comfortable talking about money.

Money is very relevant in our daily lives, and we often talk and deal with money. However, we hardly open up about our financial situation. We’re so good at talking about it but not very good at discussing about our relationship with money. On top of that, our financial decisions allow us to make quick inferences about one another. Just by observing a people’s financial decisions (e.g., what they’re wearing, eating, doing), we can quickly judge what they might do for a living and how successful they are.

Money does not only help us meet our basic needs, it also enables us to carry out social practices and uphold cultural values. For instance, the act of giving away money is often perceived as generosity, or for the Asian context, children giving money to their parents is understood as filial piety. Money helps us to identify who we are in this world. Since money has such powerful influence on our self-worth and self-concept, this explains why we may have this icky feeling (i.e., shame) when talking about our financial decisions. How we spend our money reveals who we are and how we live life, which we may not realize about ourselves.

Money does not only help us meet our basic needs, it also enables us to carry out social practices and uphold cultural values.

For those who can relate with the icky feeling and try to avoid talking about money, and unsure how to label it, heres the answer - money shame. It's shame, particularly towards money. We have to first label it so that we can begin to talk about money openly. There is so much judgment and shame coming at us when our financial decisions deviate from the social norm. The usual rule of thumb is to never overspend and be humble with our expenditures; lifestyles that don't align to such a rule is being criticised, and lifestyles that align to such a rule is being idolised. When we start to internalise shame, to believe that we are inadequate, bad and deserving of negative financial outcome, we inadvertently create a self-reinforcing cycle of financial hardship (because we don’t deserve a good financial outcome afterall). Not only we’re left in dealing with financial difficulties, but our mental health is also exacerbated. Shame is very good at making us feel horrible, by critically evaluating ourselves, and undeserving of anything good. The best way to deal with shame is to acknowledge it with compassion- to allow ourselves to make mistakes (and that is okay!).

There is so much judgment and shame coming at us when our financial decisions deviates from the social norm.

Money is not only an inanimate object purely about personal finance, it is dynamic and has a relationship with us. It is the bridge that allows our internal world meet the external world- it’s a form of self-expression. For example, we tend to use money to help self-soothe ourselves during stressful times (your purchases can give you an idea of how you relieve stress!). How we spend our money says a lot about us, it provides rich data about us and room for self-exploration, only if we are curious about it.

If you’re interested in discovering more about your relationship with money or be more comfortable in talking about money, here’s a question for you begin your journey - “What is your earliest memory about money?”

Don't let the cone of shame stop you from talking about money, but be curious in learning about what led you to wearing this cone of shame.