I’d rather be called as anything else besides "nice"

A friend of mine said those words to me as a passing comment. She said that she’d rather have a negative adjective used to describe her instead of “nice”, because being nice does not provide much information about a person.

Nice has a positive connotation; it pleases us, or brings us pleasure. However, it’s nothing memorable for us to be excited about or opposed to. It’s like room temperature water – We all don’t mind having it, and there’s nothing to shout about (neither too cold to give us brain freeze, nor too hot that it burns our tongue).

Don’t get me wrong. Being nice enables us to blend in, which is very much needed if our aim is to adapt to new social circles and be accepted by them. It's natural for us to present our friendliest selves to establish any kind of relationship because we are helpless beings without a support system. Being nice is useful in certain situation but being nice all the time can take a toll in us emotionally and sometimes physically (i.e., psychosomatic pain or Psychoneuroimmunoendocrinology)

Being nice involves us to hide our authentic selves while avoid risking conflict with others. In order to be agreeable and likeable to others, we have to accommodate to other people’s interests while minimize our own needs. And if we consistently choose to prioritize the needs of others, we take away the opportunities for others to actually know us. It is when we voice out our opinions, we are also letting other people know about who we are, what we believe and our capabilities. Making our opinions known can be very daunting task, because there is a possibility of being rejected (e.g., "what if they don't agree with me?"). Therefore, it's easier and more convenient to opt for conflict avoidant path. Most of the time we ended up agreeing with others and go along the flow, while suppressing our own opinions and discomforts. These discomforts typically start with minor doses of irritation, annoyance, muscles aches/soreness and then they gradually accumulate up to a range of physical and mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, gastric pain, autoimmune disorders. These little stressful moments don't disappear but accumulate in our body into an overwhelming sense of feeling in us, and will find its own way to get out (usually in the worst possible way). Whilst being nice doesn’t pose many immediate problems, the long-term consequences can be severe if left unchecked.

weigh your options carefully - being nice may help you be approachable to many, but you might risk losing yourself in the process.

Instead of finding ways to build your tolerance in dealing with emotional distress, try taking risks in relationships instead. Surprise them! Be frank with one another and embrace the potential conflict. Conflict is not necessarily bad. It merely reminds us that no two humans process life in the exact same way. It also presents opportunity for people to learn more about one another, or what I like to tell my clients – it gives you information about the other party. This information can help in decision-making process, especially for those who are experiencing interpersonal relationship concerns.

Some questions to self-reflective questions:

- How would your friends, partner, family, colleagues describe you as a person?

- How would you describe yourself?

- How do you deal with conflicts?