A Different Take On Feeling Stuck

It is not uncommon for us to feel stuck in our own lives from time to time. It could be noticing that we’ve been repeating similar relational patterns with people around us, feeling torn between whether to move forward or stay within our comfort zone, or even trying to make sense of our emotional patterns.

Once we feel stuck, we are quick to wear our problem-solving cap to unstuck ourselves with our own wit. But at the same time it is our own wit that brought us to our wits’ ends. It is usually our own beliefs, rules and assumptions (about ourselves, others and the world) that limits us from being any more creative to get ourselves unstuck. If we explore deeper into our own beliefs, rules and assumptions, they can sound like “the oldest child has to set the example for the youngest siblings”, “boys don’t cry, many up!”, “I’m still single, therefore something must be wrong with me”, “we must not flaunt our wealth, so buy things that you need only” and many more. We most probably heard these sayings from our parents or guardians when we were young. It is normal for parents or even caring adults to impart their values and beliefs to children / younger generations, since those values and beliefs were once helpful during their lifetime. It is also important to note that most beliefs and values were once established with good intentions and served a greater good in a cultural context.

Sometimes its worth going backwards to go forward

However, these beliefs and values can quickly become unspoken rules when they are established, enforced, and left unchallenged since childhood. They are so deeply ingrained in us that they’ve influenced how we perceive ourselves and relate with others until this present day. For instance, the oldest child may be preoccupied in taking care of the needs of others while neglecting own needs, in order to uphold the unspoken understanding of the oldest child has to set precedence in the family and younger siblings. Eventually, the oldest child will feel trapped in carrying out such rigid and unsustainable role, thus struggle with caregiver burnout and emotional meltdowns. Given that we live in an ever-changing world, a value that was once useful may not necessarily be as useful today. It is healthy to reexamine our beliefs, values and assumptions every now and then, so that we are able to better adapt to new contexts in life.

Just because some values are passed down to you doesn't mean you don't have to evaluate them!

We tend to overlook the intricacies of feeling and being stuck. We are so agitated with our immobility that we do a lot of things to relieve ourselves from such predicament, and risk digging ourselves a deeper hole from all the doings. Being stuck is not about us not doing enough in life; its an indication to have a fresh set of lens to reevaluate ourselves and others. To get ourselves unstuck, we have to unlearn what we were once taught about ourselves and then redefine who we are. Psychotherapy can be helpful for those who are interested in learning to do things differently- to discover and make sense of the deep seated unspoken rules that no longer serve us, and edit them in ways that can be helpful for us.

Self-reflection question:

1. What is a common sense (to you) that is not so common in others?

2. What are some values that you and your family share? And what function(s) did these values serve?

3. What are some sayings that you’ve heard since growing up and still practicing them today?